Pepper Spray Santa
“My what a beautiful day!” I told myself, as I got halfway up the second to the last hill. Of course, I was lying to myself as I felt butt muscles detaching themselves from the anchor points on butt bones, and started unraveling.
Children gasped at what appeared to be Santa Klaus cursing under his breath while beads of back sweat raced down to lycra-sheathed glutes.
I suddenly became aware of a body part called, Tensor Fasciae Latae. The thing, it would seem, connects your legs to the rest of your body, and as I crested the top of the hill, making the sounds of someone with a sucking chest wound, my left leg locked up.
At this very moment, I instinctively pulled sharply left, where I nearly creased my noggin on a mailbox, (and if you’re wondering yes, I do remember the number) the whole time trailing a half-dozen children chasing me hoping for pre-christmas gifts.
Luckily my ninja reflexes kicked in, and in a moment I had my mace (pepper-gel) in hand and aimed port-side at my 10-year old attackers. Before I could get off a single shot, I saw the glowered looks from associated mothers not too far in the distance. Obviously I thought better of it.
Despite the disaster, I was able to double my ride today but I’m disappointed I’m still fat. I thought after two rides I would have lost at least twenty pounds by now. Especially considering I did today what my reindeer normally do. Ooooph, how do they stay so thin?!
